Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Summary: Forgiveness is a tricky business. If we are going to forgive others, we have to have been forgiven to have some to give. Fortunately, we have a God with an infinite supply of forgiveness.
Not everyone loves themselves, at least not completely. Many of us go around with deep emotional wounds that haven’t healed. Sometimes we blame ourselves, and sometimes we blame others. When we are hurting, it may be difficult to love ourselves as God intended. But whether we hurt or not, the mechanism our Lord was referring to still functions.
The word “love” as it is used in this passage is agapeō, the verb form of agapé. Agapé, the God-love shown to us by our Father, is a deep affection that a parent has for a small child. As parents, we overlook the shortcomings and encourage the good. It is similar to the kind of love we show ourselves as we make our way through life.
The way we “forgive” ourselves was modeled by two psychologists in 1955, Joseph Luft (1916–2014) and Harrington Ingham (1916–1995). They imagined the inner world of our mind divided up into four compartments. The first two are obvious to all of us. The second two are where things get interesting.
Compartment One (C1) is where we experience our thoughts and feelings. It is a private place in our mind that only we (and God) can see. Compartment Two (C2) is where we speak and act out our thoughts and emotions. C1 is private, and C2 is public.
Compartment Three (C3) is public, but oddly we are blind to it. For example, if I am bored, my face reflects how I am feeling, but since I cannot see my own face, I am not aware of what my face is saying. Compartment Four (C4) is private. This is the place where all the things I don’t want to remember go.
If you have ever been emotionally hurt or scared, embarrassed, or traumatized in some other way, the mind protects itself from the pain by putting the memory in C4. In some ways, this mimics forgiveness. We “lift up” or “send away” the burden of the memory and the pain associated with it. The problem with this kind of limited forgiveness is that the mind protects us from being reminded of these memories. Whenever we come across a similar situation, we are compromised in how we respond. We might even avoid it all together.
God does not avoid us when we sin. He might want to, but there are no divisions or hidden closets in the mind of God. He sees us as we are and he sees all of us. He sees the private places of our minds that even we don’t want to look at.
When it comes to forgiving others, it helps to be truly forgiven. Our God is gentle. Better than any human psychologist or therapist, God reaches into the depths of our hearts with loving hands and gently pulls back the curtain of the closet in our minds. Bathed in love, the pain of the memories is washed away, and we can see ourselves as others see us. Then the healing can begin.
Only by being healed can we begin to heal our relationships with others. When that happens, miracles happen. When Jesus asks to forgive others, he is not asking us to give what we do not have. If we confess our sins to Jesus, Jesus has forgiven us our sins (1 John 1:9). It is out of an abundance of forgiveness that we are asked to forgive others.
Application: Do a self-check: Have you trusted God with your innermost secrets?
Food for Thought: How do we know if we have forgiven ourselves?
If we truly receive God’s forgiveness, then we are allowing ourselves to be forgiven. I think receiving God’s forgiveness and forgiving ourselves are closely tied together. The fruit of this is demonstrated in the ability to forgive others. If we can’t forgive others, maybe we don’t understand how much we have truly been forgiven, or maybe we have not received the forgiveness God has provided.
One reason the unforgiving servant from Matthew 18: 21 – 35 may not have forgiven someone who owed him so little, is that he did not truly receive His master’s forgiveness. I know it is just a parable, but one motivation for not forgiving the lesser debt is that he was still trying to pay his master back for something he no longer owed. This could explain why someone would want to collect such a small debt after they were forgiven so much (Of course they could just be a jerk, or selfish, or greedy, or didn’t truly understand what had been done for them).
Either way, it is unthinkable to not forgive such a small debt after being forgiven so much. It is as if the child is not responding like their Father did toward them. If so, maybe they didn’t truly receive the forgiveness in the first place.
One other thought. Both refusing to be forgiven and refusing to forgive others can also be a sign of pride. In such a case, the problem may have little to do with not loving ourselves but rather loving ourselves too much.
Rich,
Thank you for your thoughts this morning! Pride is certainly a prime suspect when we are trying to understand why someone has trouble forgiving or being forgiven. All the other things you mention are true as well. The key is that God knows the heart where we can only guess.
Great points by R. I think the great lie of psychiatry is that we must love ourselves. This is already true according to Ephesians 5:29.
Great passage, JEC:
“After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—”
Yet, it is true that sometimes the pain of living overcomes one’s love of self. We see that in stories of suicides and self-abuse. Sadly, what might have been true in Paul’s day is under assault in today’s cruel society.
I agree JEC. I don’t have a problem loving myself. Even when I have low self esteem I think of myself a lot. When my carnal nature takes over it is all about me.
I think in order to forgive yourself we need to have an appropriate level of self-awareness and awareness of the situation. By that I mean the ability to see it for what it is, not allowing emotions to lead the internal dialog. That is a difficult thing to do. There needs to be an acceptance of the truth, and then we can decide what or if amends are needed, and then there can be forgiveness. I have to say that bringing it before the Lord is the best way to achieve this. Humble yourself, tell the Lord what is is on your heart, ask for guidance, and accept what you is revealed to you. If you understand the whole truth, all the players, circumstances, and alibi’s, you will be in a place to forgive and know why you are forgiving. You will know you are forgiven because in the place where the hurt or fear used to live, you will see the truth instead, and knowing that truth how you dealt with that truth will bring you comfort.
John 8:32 “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Matthew 21:22 “And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”
Chris,
You are absolutely right. Unfortunately, we are often blind to things about ourselves that are obvious to others. (Matthew 7:3-5)
Jeff, Another very good reminder! Thanks
Thanks for joining in, Jim!
01-10-2023, How do we know if we have forgiven ourselves?
Interestingly, I was laying in bed this morning thinking about God speaking to us through His word. My question was. In His word, is God telling us what we as believers should do under “our” new power as believers, or what we should expect to see as the fruit of the Holy Spirit working in our lives as we walk in humility before God, submitting to His will over our own. Affirmation from God of the new being we have become. “ Accept His forgiveness, love one another, forgive those who sin against us, minister to the poor, and more.” Are these our works or the works of Jesus Christ through us by the power of the Holy Spirit? When we find ourselves doing these things, we should praise God for building our faith using us for HIS work in this world,
God’s word tells us,
Acts 16:31, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.”
1 Corinthians 1:30, It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.
2 Corinthians 5:21, God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
Once we receive righteousness through our commitment to Christ, God continues to work His righteousness in us. We are not alone in the struggle between our flesh and spirit. We have been Forgiven by God, If we do not want to accept this gift, we are not trusting God.
We should always remember, Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world’s darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.